2019 Reflection
Each January, I take some time to reflect on the past year and what direction I want to take my life in the new year. 2019 was an especially chaotic year for me, but was also the best year of my life so far, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts about it here.
This might sound cheesy, but before 2019, my life felt hollow. I don’t know how else to describe the feeling- I was often anxious and depressed and couldn’t figure out why, because objectively, my life was good and I enjoyed many parts of it. But at some deep level I was unhappy with where my life was headed, and felt powerless to change things. I didn’t believe in myself enough to chase after what I really wanted, so I passively waited for the ‘right time’ or ‘right opportunity’ to fall in my lap (which I knew would never happen). By the end of 2018, I was deep in a pattern of trying to convince myself that my life was fine and I should be happy with it, and then feeling guilty that I was still unhappy.
Things started to shift when I went to therapy in late 2018 (my insurance only covered a few sessions, but even these were tremendously helpful). I told my therapist about the cycle of being depressed with my life and then feeling guilty because I thought I should be satisfied with what I had. I expected to get advice about how to deal with my anxiety and be happy with my life, but instead the therapist said, “Wow, that sounds stressful. It sounds like you’re not happy with the life you’re living. What would your ideal life look like?”
This took me by such surprise that I couldn’t answer that day- I was getting pretty good at pushing down my dreams by this point, and I was nervous about acknowledging them as real options. However, his response legitimized my feelings, which lifted a huge weight from me. I suddenly realized that maybe I didn’t have to berate myself for feeling unhappy, and maybe I should try leading a life that I felt would make me happier. I didn’t know exactly what that life would look like back then, but I did know it would involve one thing for sure: travel.
Travelling was one of my longest held dreams- at five years old I planned long adventures in the wild with my sister, and this desire has only grown stronger with time. But it also felt unreachable- travelling was too expensive and complicated (or so everyone said). I told myself I would travel seriously later in life, and just took small trips around the Midwest and East Coast when I could. But after therapy cracked open the idea, I began planning my first overseas trip: a week in Ireland. While researching this trip, I learned about all kinds of cheap travel hacks, and the idea of taking a much longer trip began creeping into my mind. The idea was scary and exciting; I didn’t have a ton of money saved up, but with the travel hacks I found, I realized it might be enough for a longer trip anyway. In the end, I cancelled the trip to Ireland to save money, and instead began planning for the kind of trip I had dreamed about since I was a kid: a long backpacking adventure.
Which brings us to 2019. I sold or gave away most of my belongings, packed what was left into a big ol’ backpack, and boarded my first international flight to work a hostel in Genoa, Italy. I had no concrete plans for the rest of the trip (or my life when I returned to the US), but I was happier than I had been in a long time. This trip was everything I hoped it would be and more- simply taking action to fulfill one of my own dreams filled me joy in a way I hadn’t expected. Even during the hard moments- ticket mix-ups, 16 hour bus rides, extreme heat and cold- I felt a deep sense of peace, because it was all part of bringing this dream to life. Travel is certainly not a cure-all for everyone going through a personal crisis, but if travelling is something that feels important to you at a deep level, I cannot encourage it enough.
I eventually ran out of money and returned to the US at the end of June. I went to stay with my mom for a few months while I figured out what my next step would be- I still had no plans besides that I did not want to return to my old life. I was happy to spend some time in northern Michigan, as it’s one of my favorite places to be in the summer, and I got to be with my friends and family whom I hadn’t seen in 6 months. As I thought about what to pursue professionally, I knew that storyboarding for animation was the next dream I wanted to grab onto. But this one felt scarier than travelling- I didn’t know if I had the skill to make it work, and the thought of trying and failing had held me back from seriously pursuing it for years. But by now, I realized that working toward this dream would make me happier than settling for something else, as I had done in the past. So I began seriously working on a storyboarding portfolio for the first time and applying for every job I could find. Nearly all of these were in LA, and I knew I would probably have to move out there to find this kind of work, so I began thinking about how I would make the move.
The rest of the year unfolded thanks to some good luck- my boyfriend moved to LA with some friends from Michigan, and they were generous enough to let me live with them rent free for a few months while I got my found my footing in this new city. Initially, I was not excited about moving to LA- I had visited once before several years ago for E3, and hated it. So while I was excited for the move in terms of professional opportunities, I was not excited for the city itself. However, living out here has proved to be a completely different experience than visiting (shocking, I know). I love living in LA so far, which is probably the best surprise of the year.
So, that’s where things have been since I moved out here in October. It’s not perfect- I’m basically flat broke and currently working as a barista to support myself while I look for storyboarding work, and I miss my friends and family in Michigan. But overall, I am happier than I have been in my adult life- I feel like I am living life in line with my true desires for the first time, and even though I objectively have much less now than I had at this time last year, my life feels fuller. I have learned to be kind to myself and trust my feelings, and to chase my goals even when I am afraid of failure. I don’t know what 2020 will bring, but my path seems clear as I start the year.
Thanks for following along with my adventures in 2019. I wish you a courageous new year as you pursue your own goals in 2020. Good luck and best wishes!